Was it worth??

Was it worth it...??






“This is the last and final boarding call for……”, and even before the woman on the other side of the intercom in that terminal completed her half- hearted squeak, He seemed to go deaf.. This was the moment, like one of those where something had to be done, maybe even something stupid. But it had to be done! It was almost 7.30 pm and he knew he had to make a choice. A sudden rush of coldness wrapped him around, he could feel his feet getting numb… “Is this how it feels?”, He asked himself.. He wanted to scream, wanted to tear the boarding pass and throw it away, the way he had seen in films. “Is it worth it? Is it?” his mind kept asking him. It was the only question he would ask to comfort himself. “it totally is”, was what his mind would answer, dint care what the heart did… He just wanted to sit there motionless. All He could hear now is his heart beat.. Lub-dub is what he had learnt, being a medical student, the heartbeats would sound like. But now all he could hear was more of gun-shots, bang- bang. Cold, scared, nervous with his fingernails being chewed away, he didn’t care anymore if the flight left him behind. He had travelled a thousand miles for nothing.. For some reason now it seemed illogical to ask if it was totally worth it…. Because he knew, it wasn’t..
He knew what to do. Reaching inside his pocket, He took out his mobile and dials a number. It was a friend, his best friend. And He knew he would have an answer. He always did. The callertune hummed,
“Here is a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it note for note
Don't worry be happy
In every life we have some trouble
When you worry you make it double
Don't worry..”
“What an asshole! Situation song! Cmon pick up….” He thought to himself.. “Hi machan”, a voice greeted him…. “Hi da. Okay… Would you be pissed if I tell you something?…”, He asked. “You fucking went there, didn’t you??”, his friend queried in a very assured tone.. there was an akward silence… and his friend knew the answer was a “yes” and so broke it with a yell… Maybe he was trying to digest what he had done. ” Why the fu…..”, and even before he could complete, he was interrupted, “Dude! Listen! You are not making this easy now! You so knew I would come here! Im at the airport now, I am returning man, Iv even got my boarding card alright…”, He yelled. “ But why? Okay, chill now. Tell me what happened”, his friend queried. “I saw her man.. I saw her…. I made a mistake machan!”, his tone seemed feeble now. A sense of regret and pain filled his vocal cords. “ Do you think its too late now? Shes getting married ONLY tomorrow…. Do you think I could maybe….” And he was lost for words. He of all knew it was too late, He knew it was all over, He knew it all. “Dude, it is. Just forget it man. It wasn’t your fault.” His friend knew he could have done better, maybe taken a little extra effort.. “Machan, Im gona go back. Meet her sister maybe. Maybe talk…. DO SOMETHING….”. He felt his voice choke. He wiped the tears off his cheek with the back of his hands…. “Damn! Am I actually crying? Is this how this feels?”, he thought to himself. “Does she know you came?” he asked. “Ya she does. I spoke to her. She thinks Im crazy! Shes happy. Im happy for her da.. The guy is amazing , im no match man... ” There was nothing his friend could say… “Dude, just get on that flight! Just get on it man. Leave it all behind. Its all over man. Please don’t go back, You will end up screwing yourself again… You deserve better..” He knew he dint deserve anything. “ Machi”…. “Sollu da” his friend replied, “ When are we getting sloshed and breaking the street lights??” His friend forced a laugh and replied, “soon da… very soon.”


He ended the call, tucked the cellphone inside his jeans pocket, got up and dragged his heavy feet towards gate number 1. “How odd!” he thought, “Gate number 1, Im single and Im all alone again”. HE was still chocking up inside. His cheeks were wet, his feet colder than ever. All that was running through his head were memories. He wanted to leave them all behind. Memories of her. “Tomorrow she will be somebody else’s”, he told himself. He reached gate number 1, his mind still frozen with HER. HE knew he cant forget…. Nobody could. Her lively brown eyes would speak a thousand words, her smile that melted his heart, her hair which she would shove behind her ear from time to time to reveal her ear rings. She loved ear rings. Her walk, the way she laughs, the way she cries, the way she held him, her touch….” “Sir, we are about to depart. Your boarding card please…” greeted the flight attendant dressed in a light blue saree. Blue! Her favourite colour! He thought to himself, he knew he was getting paranoid now… He tucked his bag in the overhead storage compartment and sunk into his seat, fastened the seatbelt, even before he was asked to, closed his eyes and everything came flashing back to him… The first time he saw her… the first time he told her that he liked her….. the first time he called her…. the first time….. the only time he proposed... the first fight…. The first sms…. The last sms…. The time he travelled all the way by train just to spend a day with her….. all the hi’s, hellos, love yous and all the goodbyes… pictures were flashing in his mind... “ I have to move on. Im happy for her. She is happy. And even if she is not, she will be. You did all you could.. Is it worth it? Leting her go… Is it worth it?? Yes it is…. You did it for Dad and Mum…. You did it for them… There was NO WAY you could have spoken at home about her…. You did all you could….”


His mind kept spinning with thoughts, he looked outside the window and suddenly he felt an urge to vomit.. He had eaten nothing for a day…. And his mind wasn’t helping either…. He thought he is going to have a nervous breakdown… when suddenly everything came to a standstill when he heard his phone ring… He struggled to get it out of his tight jeans…. In the mean time the flight attendant came upto him. “Sir, kindly switch off your mobile, she asked politely..”. Just a second he said. The call had ended by then. He finally managed to get the phone out and stared blankly at the screen. The missed call was from HER mobile. “Why would she? Why?”, His mind was going crazy with ideas… Instinctively he called back. The attendant reminded him again to switch off his mobile. He didn’t give a fuck. He would make this call… “The number you are trying to reach is currently switched off”, was the message he got. “Shit! Shit!”, He slammed the phone… and tried again…. “The number you are……” “Sir, kindly switch off your mobile”…. “Why the fuck would she call? Maybe she just wanted to say goodbye… or maybe she doesn’t want to go through with this…. Maybe there IS a chance… maybe…. Why would she call?? Why would she switch it off then… Maybe its out of charge... Maybe I should try again….”…. “The number you are….” ….” Sir, I am going to have to report you, please kindly switch the mobile off”…. “PLEASE! CANT YOU JUST WAIT A SECOND???”, he yelled… “Maybe I was wrong… there is still a chance….. Was it worth it??? Was it…. Maybe I should get off this flight, like in the movies. Damn! Im watching too many of them…. So may climaxes in the Airport, most of them happy endings…. Fuck the happy endings… do they even exist???” He wanted to get off the flight, he wanted to run back to her home… he wanted to ask her for one last opportunity….. He loved her, loved her deeply. He always will. But he wanted to know why would she call him NOW? And most importantly he wanted to know if it was worth it… the pain, the regret, the suffering….. was it worth it?? He knew deep inside it wasn’t…. It just wasn’t….

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” ~M. Kathleen Casey